This week, we're picking up on the second half of ​my response​ to a really great email I recieved from a reader, prompted by reflection on ​my book​, The Language of Your Body.

A reader sent the following message:

TOWARDS AN INTEGRATED SENSE OF SELF

I tried writing a really long email with proper sourcing and commentary, but that would be WAY too long. So I'm going to give you my personal reflections here, which are rooted in ​a Thomistic understanding of the relationship between the passions (some of which we would call "emotions") and the will.​

One thing I hear this reader working through is a big philosophical question about how "real" our emotions or feelings are in the first place. 👀 I have spoken to a lot of different women so I'm not sure what the particular experience of this reader is, but in the past I've heard women explain their thought process like this:

I observe:

• My thoughts and feelings are not independent of the biological processes going on in my body.
• I make decisions based on my thoughts and feelings.

I wonder:

• Does that negate my free will? Am I simply at the mercy of my biology?
• Would I come to different conclusions or take different courses of action if my thoughts and feelings did not shift? If so, which pattern of thought and action is the "real" me????

The first thing I think women need to do (and if you know me, saying anyone "needs" to do something is a strong and rare statement) is shut down the negative talk.

Why do we assume that changes are inherently problematic?

In my book, I talk about coming to understand and work with the different "flavors" of my personality which come out at different phases in the cycle, but maybe a different image might be helpful here:

"White light" is what we call light in the visible spectrum to human eyes. We take it for granted as a sort of baseline environment that helps us see the world around us. But white light is not the absence of color. On the contrary, white light is actually the presence of all the wavelengths seen together. It's only when the light is refracted that the wavelengths spread out and we can see all the different colors in their individual states.

So if you are ever tempted to think that the shifting of your baseline emotional state through your cycle is a PROBLEM, I ask you to consider whether you think that either white light or a rainbow is a PROBLEM?

On the contrary, humans generally tend to think of rainbows as beautiful, awe-inspiring events.

But that relationship with viewing a rainbow is different from experiencing the mood changes we go through. I admit that. Our reader says she feels dismissive of her own thoughts and feelings, or even gaslight by her own moods.

It's very, very difficult to get any perspective when you're right in the thick of something.

So one suggestion I have is to not base everything on your perception. Try to find out from friends and family members what they notice about your mood changes, and if they observe such drastic swings as you are feeling. Or try keeping a journal rooted in a daily examen, to find out if things are shifting as much as you think they are (I often notice that women who thought their cycles were irregular suddenly find their cycles to be pretty predictable once they actually start charting the data, rather than relying on their memories!). In other words, do things to root your perspective of your moods in something external, rather than how you are feeling at the time.

Next, try to sort out what is actually bothering you.

Am I struggling because:

• my moods are actually swinging so much that they disrupt my ability to function? This could indicate something pathological which merits investigation! Don't dismiss that or let anyone else convince you to dismiss it! I will fight them. 💥🥊
• I feel un-anchored and incapable of making consistent decisions or progress because I always go with the flow of the current cycle phase? If this is the case, then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE check out the work of my brilliant friend, Megan Faller. ​https://www.thealignedcycle.com/​
• I actually don't like some of the "flavors" that come out? Okay, yep. This is me. And it's actually WHY I wrote the chapter in my book on virtue. Because I've noticed that I feel more virtuous in some cycle phases than others. Or maybe more specifically, I find that it's easier for some virtues to come out consistently in particular phases. Part of this can be pathological-- cortisol spikes can be a BEAST, or ​oxytocin receptivity can change​. All of that is REAL. But it leaves us with the question: what do I DO with this information?

If we're seeking integration of our sense of "self" as we go through our menstrual cycles, I think it's fair to think about how we're going about our "training" (which, for Christians, is ​askesis!​).

This is going to involve understanding the following things (at a minimum.... this is not nearly exhaustive!)

• which virtues I consistently exhibit
• which virtues I consistently struggle with
• which virtues seem cyclical, related to my cycle
• my human nature, body + soul
• my personal identity, as a unique Image and Likeness of God (+ adopted son or daughter, if you're baptized!)
• my vocation, and the duties proper to my state in life
• my END, which is the holiness I have been created for
• how to discern between holy inspiration and fleeting sentiment
• how to recognize the lies of the devil, which I may have internalized as negative self-talk

And then we create a training "program" that addresses these things.

That program may be an investment in outside counsel like spiritual direction, therapy, or a charism assessment to help me form a more positive view of my gifts (rather than focusing on shortcomings!). It will definitely involve prayer, including a commitment to the Sacramental life of the Church, but also cultivating a relationship with Christ. And it will take time.

For women, I think there's a lot to be gained by the parallel between athletic training and this sort of askesis. Because if the former can be enhanced by judiciously applying certain aspects of training in different parts of the cycle (allowing for attention to risk of injury, and time for healing which is proper to each phase!), then I also think OUR ascetical training program can also make those adjustments.

It's not impossible for women to become virtuous without cycle awareness. That would be really dumb to say and I think some of my best saint friends would righteously punch me in the face if I thought that. 😂

But if you already are tracking your cycle and have this aspect of self-awareness at hand, it can be a tool to help us make those steps towards a more integrated sense of self in the long run.

There's a LOT (LOT) more to say about that, especially since I have worked with many Catholic women who have been taught that their emotions themselves carry moral weight... so this is just a little teaser to say, there's lots more to explore.

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